A seekers path...

I open the door to the old church and expected to feel the relieving chill contained inside the stonebuilding. The mid-day sun, combined with the heavy humidity, as if it were to rain again, were almost unbarable. Even my palms were sweeting and my feet burned were the skin due to the sweat were in constant friction against my teva sandals. All morning I had listened to a lecture by an AidGroup, trying to explain why the best for the native people is not to be fed free food and taken care of, but told how to read and write. As long as the major part of the population is uneducated, it´s easy for the government to get their will through by bribes and coca-cola promises. All through the speach I listened carefully, but with a sick feeling in my pit, cause there I was, searching for my soul while traversing the country as a European trader and the obvious truth had a foul tast to it. Afterwards I turned down the tea-request and skidded off to find some remote place were I could gather my thoughts. The old church had a nice glow around it, even from a distance, yet simple and derelict. I was surpriced to find, as I walked trough the doors, that the front part of the roof had bin removed so that the insides almost looked like an atrium right above the altar. Letting the sun fall down beatuifully on the stonealtar and the place were the altarpieace used to hang and Magnolia had taken over. There were no chill, no ordinary feeling following when entering a church. This place were like a hidden gateway to other realms, lost in time and well kept from reality. It felt like entering the gates to Narnia or Shambala perhaps. There were no remaining benches and so I sat down in the grass, facing the magnific Magnolia and the sunlit altar. I felt sad. In my mind I noticed thoughts and memories comming back that I had left behind as I left the airport and my everyday life back home. Thoughts of value, destiny, purpose and the future path of mine. Throughout my life I had bin at constant move from one path to the other, no matter in what area. Changing field of profession, education or situation within only months sometimes. Never staying, never satisfied. Surely it made me flexible and experienced in many fields and areas, but I always longed for finding the One Mission of my life and as long as I did not, I always mourned meanwhile laughing no matter what I did. Silently I cried out to God.

"Why is it so hard for me to find the right thing to do? Why do I have to run around like this, searching, trying, failing, flieing.... No matter what I do there is always the feeling of incompleatness, always some area uncovered that I rather fill. If I do this, I long for that, and when I do that, I long for this! Why does it have to be like that?! GOD!? How can I come to term with the different aspects of me, so that they can work alongside and as a unity as I assert myself in the world?
The answer poped into my head when my own thoughts had cried out like that long enough and mind seamed to need a pause. When there was a gap where God got a chance to break in.
Is that the right question?
I was surpriced by the counterquestion.
"I don´t know."
Then ask yourself what is the right question.
"Uhm,...okay.... What question do I look for answers to at this time?"
What questions do you have?
"Well, lots! But I might not want to ask them out loud, I guess, even to myself, because it feels rather childish and stupid..."
Why, my child....?
Noticing the irony in this, I laughed out loud.
"Yea, okay, point well made.... I guess I do not want to start a new project. Im tired of starting over... Tired of the constant challange. "
So, what are your questions?
"Well, I guess my question is what the right thing is, for me to do. I would like, no, I need to know how I can find a vocation that really fits me as a person? What job is fullfilling both in creative and spiritual ways? It feels like I´m trying and trying, searching and searching.... I do not want to spend all of my life like this! I need your help!"
Is there a need to find this job or is there a job that needs it to find you...?
"Is there a job that needs me!?"
Off course there is.
"Then how can I find the way to it?"
By opening up to the fact that you are, indeed, needed. By acually letting me help you.
"But, I were never needed... by anyone... I am not used to thinking like that...."
Is that true?
"Yes...To me it is..."
Then what happens if you do not believe in it anymore?

"But this is what I have lived to believe. What others have proved to me. No one has ever needed me."
What if I need you?
You! Why whould you need me?
I need everyone, all pieces of creation I need, or else the creation would not be whole.
"So, I should ask you were you need me...instead of asking myself were I need to be."
Exactly.

I had to take a deap breath here. Return to focusing on the enviroment, halting my thoughts for a while. If God needed me, then why did I try so hard to find my own path? If God new, then why did I search for answers everywere else? I felt I had to ask how to let God run the show, but I already knew the answer to it to. The duality of faith, the hardest task for humanity, to let go and trust in God. The only forum we´ve got is the prayer and even that is a oneway conversation. The sublime force of God being all to easy to dubt when not manifested clear enough or as we emagened or want.
"If you need me.... then I want to be at your service. I have always wanted to be at your service but I have never understood how. Your ways seams to difficult, to demanding or to far from real life-living.... Somehow it feels like Im not ready to follow, to let go of control but it´s easier to go on, trying the best I can by my own and play it safe. Perhaps Im not ready to give up."
Why would it be to give up?
"I dont know. Perhaps because I dont know what you want me to do..."
You don´t have to do anything.
"I know. But that is the most difficult thing to!"
Can I help you?
"Yes. Please do!"
Close your eyes. Now emadgen a beach, mileswide and the blue pasific infront of you. Emadgen you together with a friend that you´ve known forever. Your best friend. Now emadgen what you say to him or her, as you watch the ocean.
"I wouldnt say anything. Its just a good feeling that needs no words."
Then that is what I want. Now emadgen a forrest, filled with treas and roots and branches all over, like the rainforrest you saw in Peru. Emagden your in the middle of it, and your friend is with you. Emadgen what you say to him or her.
"I wouldnt say anything. I would only watch and be fascinated by it all. Perhaps holding hands though, if I were a little overwelmed or scared."
Then that is what I want. What if you were is a big city, doing the same.
"Then I get the feeling of wanting to get away."
Then you know that is not the place for you.
"Yes, I understand. I need to emadgen myself in a situation and pay attention to what I feel, and the feeling will tell if you want me to be there or not."

I continued to emadgen myself in different areas, different situations and noticed how I felt. At work, with kids, in an airplane and so on. At one point I emadgened myself infront of a pool with dolphins in it and as I slid down and into the water I was suddenly overwelmed by emotions and started crying. At the same time sadness and an enormous healing. Hearing my sobbs and wailing and it sounded like I were a dolphin to, releaving my heart to them. The feeling that followed, the imense peace, made me get back up unto the ground, wanting to stay, being a dolphin like them. But it was as if they said, look, you are a human now, enjoy it! And all of a sudden I felt so free. Realising that there is accually nothing I have to do but to enjoy life. What I really wanted, I noticed, was to feel peace in my heart. As I did at the beach and in the forrest. With peace in my heart it would be easy to live according to Gods will.
"If that is what you want God, then how can i find peace in my heart?
By not running away from what you feel.

I stayed for a long time in the church. The sun soon moved beyond the edge of the roof and let shadow fall upon me and the atrium and scents of the evening had already filled the air as I left. The magnoliablossoms had closed thier petals for this day but I had opened up for a new way to understand God.
"Thank you." I thought as I strolled back towards the citycenter. "Thank you for helping me understand, God. Thank you for being a feeling inside of me. Thus you are always with me."
And as I noticed the peace inside, I smiled and knew that it was true. That it was God.