... Some time passed. I started to become a little restless, both worying and thinking about what had caused this event. Had something happened or did he just forget about me? Perhaps he had other, better things to do? Did he believe that me, on my hand was not to come back due to the rain and therefor passed to? I felt stupid. Sitting alone, underneath a tree that did not offer very much of a shelter from the rain instead of crossing the street to the nearest shop or restaurant. I thought I saw people passing by shot glimpses of mirth at me. Like I were some outcast child or a dog left outside a dinners while the owners have thir meal. I felt like that child, or dog to. Waiting in the rain for a man that I so dearly wanted to meet. So eager to talk with him, and to listen. Thirsty for knowledge and teachings to reflect upon. My heart started to ache and my stomach rumble. What if I were not to see him, ever agian? Perhaps he was just one of those one-time angels that sometimes bless us with their prescence, leaving imprints that lasts for a lifetime. The thought owerflooded me with sadness. I wanted him to be there almost as much as I longed for my father to be there for me when I was a child. Eaven now, grown up as I had become, I still longed for his prescence, his attention and console. My thoughts kept going, memories on replay. Me, left alone in this world to fight a battle I had not choosen. A lifetime struggle to fit in, to balance between beeing not to god and not to bad. Never more nor less than what seamed to be the norm. All the confusion, discord emotions and strangeling feeling of never being able to please the ones around me, no matter what I did or how. Emotions rushing trough my body, hurt and loss, dissapointment and anger. Some with memories atached, some new and out of the blue conected to this moment. It escalated and intensified, streams of icecold showers and boiling heat rumaging inside, like a vulcano and a lavin at the same time. It cept on for I dont know how long, but what felt like an eternity. But then it all stopped. All but silence and only this one sentence hanging in the air right before me saying; NO, THIS WAS MY CHOICE.
Like a lightning had strucked right down and into my head it all became clear to me. Everything I had ever lived, everything I ever did and were about to do, everything was my choice. Counscious or uncounscious. The result, my perseption colored by my mind and judged by the same, but neverthenless, the actual event was a cause of me making a choice. The insight was so enormous it totaly numbstrucked me and I don´t know for how long I remained in this wake. Hours passed. The rain stopped. Kids cried. Cars pushed the water aside as they passed by. The doves came back, the sun even peered through cracks in the clouds. Scents of mud and fumes, curry and ginger started to spread and intensify as the moist evaporated. A cow, white underneath the dirt and weat, passed in the typical lazy pace of thiers. I remained, however. Unable to move, and even if I had no reason. Images from my passed that once was draped with painful emotional covers now seamed obvious and resonable. Because I had not understod the meaning while it happened I had stored the memory with the first impact wrapped aroud it. Over and over I had let the events cause me, like I was a wictim of some kind, and tried to hide, to take cover or fight them as my enemies. Instead of embrasing the outcome of my choice I had fled, and I saw how this pattern had repeated itself throughout my life.
Slowly, as I returned to consciousness, to the enviroment, the city gained structure and focus again. Everything seamed to be back to normal outside and around, but inside of me everything was different. I was awake in a way I could never had emadgen being before. Saw everything in a new light. Carried a new feeling of freedom and a conviction that everything that had happen and everything that was about to, would be for a reason, and that reason were my choise to make and react upon. Univerce wants us to become perfect and so I did not have to be afraid. The choice of lurning trough fear or love lies only in our perseption.
Slowly I also noticed that I was soaking wet and shivering of cold. Remembering the hot chai I had brought for the Teacher, I opened my satchel and poured myself a cup instead and as I did so I realized that I was to a teacher. All knowledge is from God anyway, we only choose from whom and how to gain it. Smiling to myself I raised the cup and saluted myself before I let the hot and sweet chai fill up my sences.
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