The rain that fell during the following season was a reflection of life itself. Pouring and popping, tapping and splashing as if it were a creature, a living soul. The way it tipptoed in the morning, romaged and roared later on or the way it leaned over and hit the ground from an almost bizzar angle. I will not lie if I say it fell in a thousand different ways during that period. At least it felt like that because it cept on surprising me in the way it sang me to sleep, talked to me during long midday hours when there were nothing else that could be done, wispered ancient wisdom or laughed at me when I tried to take cover on the way to the warung and back. Even the geckos fled it. Clinging, like they were pasted on the walls in the little bungalow, never mooving when someone were watching but all of a sudden gone or located elsewere.
I had arrived at the airport in the middle of the night but the air was so hot and humid it made my shirt soaked and sticking to my back in seconds. It was not the accual season for rain but with the changes in the climate no one could tell the forcast anymore. I was exhausted from the flight and was glad the cab offered a few minutes of airconditioned heaven as we drowe past fields of rise and Bintang Supermarkets, the new and the old in mixed bled and beautiful orchards in every available area in between, all along the way to The Three Brothers. The night was clear, no rain, but a starlit sky above. The magic of the land swept me of my feet. The energy buzzing in the air like a fine glitter. Imediatley at arrival I headed for the pool, dived into the soothing water and let the cool infiltrate my mind as well as my body. Feeling like a dolphin I swam and dived, played around and floated on my back watching the stars above. As I became still a thought came into my head. A question put into univerce: can a man change his stars?
My stars, I knew what they said about my persona and good future, but do they speak of a destiny about to unfold, no matter how I live my life or do they just point out where my soul is heading? Are my stars the same this time around or are they more of a follow-up to past lives? I remembered the old man back in Katmandu and how I never really had got an answer from him about weather he believed in reincarnation or not. Answers reveal themselves in time. I knew this, had lived to see it happen to and all had bin well if I had bin able to rely on thet and to relax but on the controversy I felt so mutch in a hurry all the time. As if I had a mission to complete, a quest to solve or at least something very important to understand and get into doing. Always feeling as I was wasting time, doing things at random lacking the knowledge needed to change and get ahead. This thoughts spinning in my head at all times, making me comfused and frustrated. At times I had believed I had got a clue but that clue only led to new questions, and so the quest continued.
Almost without noticing, I asked out loud; "God, how long will it take until I understand?"
And somewere beyond all counsciusness a voice, much like my own, answerd; "How long do you want it to take?"
Silence followed.
"I want to understand right now! I have wanted to understand all my life!"
The voice answering with the tone of a nagging child; "I want, I want, I want!"
I remembered what a friend had explained about questions, that if you don´t get an answer, perhaps you ask the wrong question. So I tried in another way to formulate a question.
"I... I...hm... i don´t know what to ask for....really.... I don´t know what it is Im looking for"
"Then go find it."
"Find what?"
"What it is you are looking for."
"Is it that easy?"
"Yes. It really is that easy. Finding is the doing in a nother sence. Only you decide weather you want to Do or to Find."
I suddenly recaled what a teacher had said about life points of wiew, that for some people life is a fight, for some a lesson and yet for others a game. All due to our perseption. I tried to put out another question.
"Is there a sertain level of consiousness that I need to reach in this life?"
"To...?"
"Well.... I don´t know. I thought you knew the reason?"
I felt stupid, but It seamed like whom ever I was talking to laughed out loud.
"Is´nt there a reason?"
"There is a lot of reasons; all made up by you. I only whant you to be happy. To live in peace with whatever and whoever you are. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"
"Well.... I dont´t know. Perhaps it´s to easy!"
"Life is easy! You are the once making it hard!"
"This is silly! I feel like Neal Donald Walsh, having a conversation with God."
"Do you think he is the only one being able to have such a conversation?"
"But I feel like having a conversation with God to, right now."
"Well, you are. The only difference is that you don´t write at the same time."
I have felt that urge to write so many times, I thought, yet I havn´t. I have had that urge to create in other ways to, why I studied both music and went to artschool. But the restlessness and impatience, the have-to´s and restrictiones cept me from falling into the flow and so I gave up that to and started to work instead. Did I run away due to fear of meeting God?
"Im here."
"God, I want to have this conversation...still I run away.... I guess Im a little afraid of you... Afraid of what it might lead to if I let go of all restrictions and just go with the flow... I know there is no reason to be afraid, still it´s hard not to... Will you wait for me?"
"I will wait all the time you need. There is no other option. I am always here, always prescent, always about to unfold before you if you dare let it happen. If you dare let Me happen."
"But I don´t want to waiste any more time!"
"Then don´t."
"But what shall I do? What can I do?"
"You can meet me in whatever form you like. If you want to paint, then paint with me. If you want to write, then write trough me..."
"But does it matter?"
"It only matters to you what you do."
Like I needed a pause, I returned mentaly to were I was, still flat back in the water, and I noticed how tired I was. Getting up and off to my little bungalow I thought about the matter I had chosen. How I had tried all kinds of artistic expressions but only to the extent where it started to pay off. Then something else had always turned my focus around and I had stopped with whatever I had bin doing. I wanted to believe in magic, the dreams and fantasies of mine. Wanted to make them come true but never had the guts to put my back into it. Ready for bed I snapped a book out of my satchel and started to read from where I had left of and this sentence glared at me from the page: "Youve got to give magic a hand sometimes, lad. Give it summat to use... the right conditions."
I laughed out loud at this, thinking God has a million faces and voices. Just look around, be a little aware and you´ll get the answear you seak. I closed my eyes and fell asleap right away, with the book on my chest and a little smile on my face, and as I did I new God was watching and smiling to.
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