Chaos

When I first came there, I did´nt understand why. In search of nothing but finding Everything is a not-so-comon experience on my behalf. But of course, it was´nt that easy as I make it sound. It was´nt, in fact, easy at all. Attraction is like a thief at night, sneaking arouind, lurking in the shadows, wispering and placing soft, almost unnoticable touches that makes your skin attentive on it´s own Accord. As if it has a concsiousness of its own. well, perhaps it does. In this vast reality nothing is for sure! Attraction then starts to sing,a tune most familiar to you, yet unheard and it catches your attention in the very least expected moments. And all of a sudden, you Wake up one morning and while your makeing your morning coffee you find yourself singing that very same tune! And while you sing, you smile. And the smile conects to a joy Deep down in your belly, like when you had a secret as a Child and it was fun and exhiting and tabu at the same time... Attraction came to see me there. In the very least expected manner and in the shape of Chaos. Chaos, by the way. Do you know him? Chaos, the God of destruction and change beyond Control. Chaos, the Beautiful, enchanting One who is bound to no laws, no force but his own and who never finds mercy a part of the game. Mercy is for the Saints. Chaos is no way near a Saint. He is Chaos. And Him, I met. Chaos in persona. A fallen angel, perhaps, but never then less, a son of God. I saw him and my heart leaped out at once. To hold him, to care for him, to help if possible and to love him unconditionally. I had no choice. My heart exploded, wide open for this man, this broken, lost and untamed boy. Yes, of course I saw it comming. I´ve bin there Before, I´ve paid with my heart and lost the very same. Love is a dangerous game. The one who does´nt know that has never loved. I told you, I saw it comming, yet, I did not care. Blinded by the glory of Him, as Icarus flying to Close to the sun. Blinded by a love so strong it made me into a rope in wich I caught him while trying to commit cuicide. He lived. I suffered in silece for him. Cried and prayed for him every single day and every single night so that I could be sure the Angels Heard me and watched over him while I could´nt. Days past. Weeks to. A constant rolercoaster-ride through every single emotion possible towards Another. Oh, Chaos, what you made me feel! And then, when all seamed to calm down, when I found him open to recieve at last, he turned and was gone. Just like that. No answers. No mercy. And that´s when I knew it was Him who had come to see me again, Chaos, in disguise. Again. Why me? Who am I? You told me many times that I must be an Angel because humans does not love like that. Perhaps it´s true. Perhaps I once was someone like you, an Angel, an Icarus, deported back to Earth, to suffer. To lurn and to gain again Gods trust and compassion. What do I know... Chaos, my friend. I´ll see you again. For sure. And you´ll be desguised again, that to is for sure. But will I know your namne? Will I see your true face in time and Before I fall in love with you once more? Perhaps the only way to keep you away is to love you. Love you unconditionally...? I´ll try. I know I will because that is who I am. No excauses. I will deserve the love of God one day, no matter how many times I fall Before your feet. I´m an Angel, just like you and I´ll see you in heaven because the greatest force of all, that is GOD, who´s name is LOVE, will unite us there at last and that thought makes me sleep at night. Eaven though I lost, again, and paid with my heart, again, I´m alright. I love you and I Always will. Chaos, my brother, my son.

night-time-confession

In the dark of the night,while others asleep, a confession is on the verge of my lips... The truth I live with, but burried Deep, and swept under the carpet.... Some tangeling, tingeling, nudging sensation, are Calling for my attention. And burning, and melting and comming alive, is Another long lost temptation! Oh Heaven help me! What´s going on? All that I´ve trid to build upon, like sand at once... slipping beneath my fingers and into the sea of past times. Was this meant to be? Did it say in the book somewere that it would end? And what about the rest? How am I supposed to know what is best?! If God did not Love us, he would´nt care if we fell in love or not, if we grow or die, if we try or hide. But God Loves. And I love. I Love to much at the same time. Cast the first stone, you who´s without sin! Let it hit me hard because I want to know if what I do is a sin. To Love. To lust. To want and have passion, for one but not the other.

one day

One day, I´m sure, He will present Himself. After hours and hours of praying, and wishing and hoping and trying and longing..... One day, I´m sure. And He will say; NOW. Now is the time. Here I am, Now we are One. And that day, no more will I be parted. No more will I be seen apart from Him. But I´ll be unconditionally in love with Him and He with me, as a perfect union. A circle, a mandala. Neverending. This has bin my conviction Always, yet unspoken or understood. This is my hearts desire, my one true prayer. Hear me, Lord, for i am praying, for that day to be today.

true value

Do you know that I saw an angel, the day that we sat, holding hands, in my temporary sofa, you and me still unexplored lands. She was red, red, a sparkle, big enough to fill the space, between my doubt and my heart, left was not a trace. And you came into my Life a Little closer, for each day we grew an inch. And my Life was never the same again, you added flawor, pinch after pinch Today, and five years later, your are still my chef in Life. And our love keeps growing stronger, someday I might even be your wife Of Gratitude my heart is growing, each time I Think of of you. The gift you are, my treassure, to me, that value is true.

forbidden gold

...and wilst you talked about trivial things, your Eyes made love to mine. And I had to hold my breath not to shiver, I had to bite my toung. Brown, golden light, from your inner desire, flowing through my spine causing an earthquake, a tremble, a fire, to pour all resistance out. Holding my hands as steady as I could, in my pockets, tight not to touch you. Heart like a million wings of a bird, and my chest, like a cage filled with fire. And your hands gently touch me at times. A touch of an angel, a wisper and a sigh. You dance with me over the floor like no other whilst Everything else in the World lay aside. But still, that, our dance is in my Dreams, and cept in my Dreams alone. You must not know and I must not tell you, this passion is forbidden gold.

6,7034

I´ve been abscent from the blog for a long time. Why? Well, because Life invited me to class and now I need to pay attention. I´m busy attending Life, I´ll say, if you ask. What does that mean, really? "Attended Life". If I asked you; "To what degree Do you attend Life?" Would you have an answear? - "Uhm, to 6,7034 procent, I Believe." No, I don´t Think so. Regardless, there seams to be a lot of talking about that right now, and even a nonspoken-off measuring inbetween people. "Are you Aware?" "Are you, perhaps, Awakend?" ("Is He or She more awakend than I am?") But what is the answear to such question? Is there even any, really? Off course, theres a major difference between being aware of Life in every braeath or simply to show up, like a sleepy teenager in mathclass. The question is if you are aware you have a teacher, standing right next to you, praying for you to listen? Because Life is that teacher. Life never fails us and when we Wake up in the morning, Life greats us with all the material we need to lurn what we need to lurn, that day, and the next, and the next. Life demands from us that we lurn, or else we´re given the same class over and over again until we do. But apart from us, Life sees all the possibillities we have and all the greatness we can achieve. Life tries all possible ways to teach us to. If not this way, than the other. And Life never stop believing in us. Now, let me ask you; Are you aware that you are a student? I´ve bin abscent from this Blog and meanwhile attended Life´s classes with my full attention. Difficult, yes, at times, and hard and frustrating and emotionally challanging. Then, why, you might ask, do I face such challange? Well, I´ll tell you why my friend; Because I got to know the Teacher, and He filled my heart with Trust, Love beyond definition and a Passion for being a student.

Vid vattnet står sju träd. De står på två rader och skapar emellan sig ett rum, en gång, nästan som i en kyrka. Ståtliga och stolta sträcker de sig upp, högt, högt och breder ut sina kronor och låter grönskan sträcka sig långt ner mot marken så att det hela bildar ett heligt rum. Saven i träden rör sig och strömmar, strävar uppåt, uppåt genom kapillärer och ådror, förgrenas, förgrenas tills den når trädkronans topp. I bladen strömmar energin in och igenom, andas och ger liv åt tusentals andra varelser i dess symbios. Och i trädet strömmar saven, som vackra själar, gudar och gudinnor bakom barkens förklädnad.
Jag frågade träden hur det kommer sig, att något så vackert, något så starkt och livskraftigt döljs bak en sådan grov och skrovlig fasad. Varför är inte skönheten lika påtaglig på utsidan som den är på insidan? Och träden svarade att nog tycker Du väl att vi är vackra? Nog ser du på oss i förundran och njuter av vår grönskas svalkande skugga?
Jo, nog är det så, medgav jag. Men hur kommer det sig att ni ser ut som ni gör?
Vi ser ut så som vi levt genom tiden. Barken är årtiondens kvarvarande hud, torkad och nött av väder och vind. Men vi tänker inte på det, ty vår uppgift här på jorden är att vara träd. Att växa och grönska, ge skugga och liv till allt annat liv. Det är vår uppgift och i oss finns ingen längtan efter något annat eller frågor om varför det är så.
Men, ville jag veta, kan ni säga mig varför jag ser ut som jag gör då, när jag känner att jag är någonting annat? Vilken är min uppgift? Säg mig för jag har ännu inte förstått mitt syfte.
Människornas uppgift är att skapa kärlek. Hela mänskligheten skapades för att skapa mer kärlek. Ni är Guds avbild och Gud är skapande kärlek.
Som en generator? En kärleksgenerator, tänkte jag. För att generera energi och således upprätthålla och utveckla allt liv på planeten!

När alla minns, när vi lever vår uppgift... vilken underbar värld vi kommer leva i!